Distant Mountain

Oh Lord my God There are times when my heart is cold and I cannot feel thee near, days when all that keeps me going is a sense of duty. Keep me steady and faithful at these times and remind me of thy presence in the past, until suddenly thou dost make myself known to thee again, and I know how the grass feels when the dew falls, and the bird at the day’s first ray of light. Then I realise that I have walked by faith, safely, because thou has been with me all the time. Ever Present by George Appleby With thanks to Rona

Advent Calendar He will come like last leaf's fall. One night when the November wind has flayed the trees to the bone, and earth wakes choking on the mould, the soft shroud's folding. He will come like frost. One morning when the shrinking earth opens on mist, to find itself arrested in the net of alien, sword-set beauty. He will come like dark. One evening when the bursting red December sun draws up the sheet and penny-masks its eye to yield the star-snowed fields of sky. He will come, will come, will come like crying in the night, like blood, like breaking, as the earth writhes to toss him free. He will come like child. © Rowan Williams

As we rejoice in the gift of this new day, so may the light of your presence, O God, set our hearts on fire with love for you; now and for ever. Amen. 23 Yet I am always with you;  • you hold me by my right hand. 24 You will guide me with your counsel  • and afterwards receive me with glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you?  • And there is nothing upon earth that I desire in comparison with you. 26 Though my flesh and my heart fail me,  • God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever. (Psalm 73) I haven't blogged in some time, a combination of reasons, largely because I've been busy, confused and just unsure what to say. I've got several unfinished posts sitting there but not sure if I want to finish them just at the moment. Amid all the business, and quite a lot of frustration, I prayed this morning and all of that lifted. All the confusion, anger, pain, challenges and opportunities, were handed to God in prayer. There is much h

A great thoughtful post here on the sharing of secrets and the timing of our God given destinies. I left this comment which stands alone I think.... Much to think about here, thank you. The thought which resonated with me was, "And the reason that God sometimes reveals the dreams and destiny he has for us in advance is that dreams can be deferred—can take decades to be fulfilled." I think it's worth remembering this, I sometimes think that my destiny has been revealed, but not the timing. Knowing the dream is there though, brings hope for a future not yet seen. The danger, like you say, is talking to too many people about the dream as often they aren't ready to hear it (for all sorts of reasons), which is all part of working out the timing. All these things can only be in God's time.

In a discussion last year at a house group we started talking about when we had given ourselves to Christ. Many could cite specific times in their lives when they had committed to following Jesus. I kept quiet as the discussion moved on but I knew I had side-stepped a public answer, but not perhaps for the reasons you may be guessing... In my heart, I knew I had given myself to God, to follow Christ, but I couldn't give a time or place when I knew this had happened, hence my silence. No sudden born again, bright lights moment, just the sure, safe knowledge that I am his. Those who know me may think it slightly odd that I couldn't give a " when" , especially as for a long time, I hadn't been to church at all until six years ago so you could say well surely in the last six years, wasn't there a moment or an event which made it all clear. I don't think there was though, it was a gradual realisation, a slow re-birth as I realised I has always been his

On the advice of another blogger I took the chance to listen to Sunday Worship on Radio 4 from Ripon College, Cuddeson. The iplayer recording has now expired, but a transcript is available  here . There was some wonderful music and I always find it helpful to hear how other people have found vocation and how every story is different. The talk by the principal is worth referring back to again and again; " But if it is true that every Christian has a vocation, what are the next steps? How would you know you were called? How could you be sure? You can’t of course, but there are a few simple things to bear in mind - things we often remind students of here at Cuddesdon. First, have courage. Many vocations never take root because of fear. Fear of failure, or of perhaps just of getting it wrong – suppose someone rumbles that I am just ordinary? Suppose I really make a mess of it? But mistakes happen, and I think the best thing we can try to do is learn from these things. Failure is

In our house group we have been looking at Paul's letter to the Ephesians, as we spent time on the first part of chapter 2, this section really struck a deep chord; "....made us alive together with Christ - by grace you have been saved - 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the ages to come he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness towards us in Christ Jesus." So if we are 'in Christ Jesus' (a phrase used often in this passage) when we are saved, we will know immeasurable riches of grace. To be in Christ Jesus is profound, but simple. Profound because it changes your life utterly, simple, because all you have to do is say yes. Yes, I will follow you, Christ. Imperfect as I am, I am yours. It's a huge commitment and yet life is simpler once it's made because it takes the pressure off. Accept that you love and are loved by Jesus and everything else falls into place

We had our second Men's Breakfast on Saturday which was a great success (in all ways except numbers! - but it's early days yet). It was the second time I'd led a bible study and I really enjoyed it. I suppose it was a combination of many factors which brought the whole thing together which made it work and I think these can be counted as blessings: The support of an experienced house group leader who had the original idea but has been kind enough to let me lead this group. The time spent in prayer while reflecting on material to use and prepare. The time spent writing prayers for the morning which seemed to hit the spot, we also had a time of open prayer which also worked well and fed back into areas we discussed. The bacon rolls and coffee worked well too!  This time we looked at a passage from Hebrews 10:32-11:1. It was about the meaning of faith and maintaining perseverance in the face of persecution. We embarked on tangents involving persecuted Christians in the

You did not choose me but I chose you and I appointed you to go out and bear fruit, the fruit that shall last. Alleluia. 1 Blessed be the Lord the God of Israel, • who has come to his people and set them free. 2 He has raised up for us a mighty Saviour, • born of the house of his servant David. 3 Through his holy prophets God promised of old • to save us from our enemies, from the hands of all that hate us, 4 To show mercy to our ancestors, • and to remember his holy covenant. 5 This was the oath God swore to our father Abraham: • to set us free from the hands of our enemies, 6 Free to worship him without fear, • holy and righteous in his sight all the days of our life. 7 And you, child, shall be called the prophet of the Most High, • for you will go before the Lord to prepare his way, 8 To give his people knowledge of salvation • by the forgiveness of all their sins. 9 In the tender compassion of our God • the dawn from on high shall break upon us, 10 To

I took the dog for a walk on my own yesterday. This was the first time I've walked the dog for three months and even though it was painful and I limped using a stick. I really enjoyed it. There were bluebells everywhere, it was dry and I could see for miles. Having hardly been outside recently, it was wonderful! However, it brought home how much work I have to do. While improving, it's going to be a while before I can walk properly again. In some ways, I needs to learn how to walk properly. I've spent so long limping I start doing that automatically then have to check myself to try and use as normal a gait as possible. It's not easy and ten minutes later I'm limping anyway, but at least it's progress. I think I need to approach vocation in the same way. The last week or so hasn't been a setback, more a chance step back and reflect. I had become so focussed on stipendiary ministry and needing to start as soon as possible in order to give as much time to t

"Truly I tell you, no prophet is accepted in the prophet’s home town." This struck a chord today, from the second reading in Morning Prayer (Luke 4:24). I’ve had several difficult conversations recently and many of them have been about acceptance, particularly about vocation. If you’ve looked at my blog, you may have gathered that I’m exploring vocation and possible ordination in the Church of England. This feels like it has been rather slow but I’m sure for all for all the right reasons. After all, these things must be done in God’s time, not ours. I met the DDO for the second time last week. He has received my ordination registration form, but I think the fact I had decided to keep options open regarding full-time ministry or NSM meant he felt I needed to do more work. I left with a list of things to do and people to see and no date set for another meeting. This wasn’t what I had expected but certainly wasn’t a no, more a, do some more work and research then let me

These posts struck a chord so here I am, sharing! Firstly a beautiful poem on being a priest here . Also,  humourous take on the vocation and test of curacy in the form of a multiple choice here .

The roller coaster of Holy Week took some time to recover from this year. We worked through the whole range of emotion and it was quite intense at times. For lent this year I commited to saying the daily office of morning prayer every day and managed evening prayer or compline several times a week as well. In Holy Week I attended many services of many types and loved them all. From compline on Wednesday with a small quiet group to the blessing of oils and ordination renewal service in the Cathedral on Maundy Thursday where I sat at the back just taking in the pomp, ceremony and spriritually. Good Friday was bleak. All my family friends followed the cross to the top our local hill. I tried, but my injured knee made it too painful and all I could was watch from the bottom. A crowd of perhaps 200 gathered on Cam Peak to watch the crucification. Then on the breeze, I heard them singing When I Survey the Wondrous Cross.  It was heartbreaking, beautiful, joyful and deeply sad. It can be

The path is winding on; Last year on Palm Sunday, I ran the London marathon (Easter was later last year and I've not been running for seven weeks now due to a knee injury, but instead have been praying and reflecting on vocation). So this year on Palm Sunday, I sent my ordination registration form to the DDO. There will now be a few weeks before we can meet, which follow the few weeks while the form was checked by two very important, and busy, people. In many ways, there is a direct comparison to running the marathon. Most of all because patience and perserverence are important in both and perhaps they are also part of God's discernment process. At times I feel doubt, sometimes because the time these things take mean that I have more time to think and reflect not just on the calling but also, perhaps because I am a natural worrier, I become concerned that I'm mis-interpreting the call. I don't pray about that specifically though, simply that in the knowledge that

Loving God. Being. In your own time, with gentleness and patience. Prayer for this vocation in the hands of others. Prayer, with humility and love. Offered to you. Let it be. With gentleness and patience. Your will be done. Amen.

Christians are called to be humble, it’s part of what bring us closer to being Christ like or ‘in Christ’. In our modern world though this can be very difficult. We are encouraged by society to be bold, seize the day and be confident. The focus on ‘self,’ being proud and materialistic are what society expects of us. We can aspire towards humility and many Christians do through prayer, bible study, Christian fellowship and worship. I had started to read into recent events some signs that I needed more humility (I’m sure that much is true). I had agreed to lead a lent group and even though I denied it to myself, felt some pride at being asked (also some guilt for feeling pride). Then the group was cancelled due to a lack of takers, which was humbling. Another group I tried to join as a member was also cancelled due to low numbers, so I didn’t join a Lent group this year for the first time in several years which was disappointing (to me at least). I have also recently injured my knee wh

It sometimes feels like not much is happening, in fact, it's been a busy week with some quite exciting stuff. After months of waiting first for training (held but once a year), then for my rota turn, I led intercessions on Sunday morning for the first time. They went well in a slightly tricky week with the terribly sad events around the death of John Suddards (he was in our deanery and our previous associate vicar moved to his parish only last year), we also launched a tower fundraising appeal which also needed to be covered. There was some mixed feedback on volume but nothing on content so I think I can be content enough until next time. I was also approached after the service about if I could lead a churches together Lent group. Not led a group before but after a few discussions, this will also be starting next week. A meeting on Monday with the Vicar on vocation, which also went well. I've been on pause since the DDO meeting, deliberately trying to give myself reflecti

Never a frequent blogger, but still here on occasion. I have been quiet recentlly as I work through and reflect on the next step in the vocational journey. This has been important I think, as the step will be quite a big one which will expose me to a lot of conversations, questions and soul-searching, over many months. I need to be ready, although it may be that being ready is not really possible! In the meantime, I'd like to share an editorial written for our church magazine in March. Church Music As part of the LMT and the choir, it seemed appropriate to write an editorial about something which is close to my heart: Church music, in particular, the music we enjoy in our parish churches, its history and its impact on us as Christians. The music we use has a long history. It’s unclear exactly when the first Psalms were written, but it’s thought that some date back as far as the 10th Century BC. Authorship is not certain and even though many are described as the Psalms of

That was interesting. Having met a very kind, astute person the other night who could be pivotal in my next steps, the ball was put firmly in my court. Having discussed my faith story, we then went through what would happen next. Some suggestions were also made, which should be useful. There is a lot of reflection to do now. What I've realised is that the ball isn't actually in my court. It's in God's. I have also realised that I am still am commited to giving myself up to his will for me. That's not really a surprise though, just confirmation. What I also realised, and read about yesterday in one of those coincidences which needed to happen (I'm currently reading How to find your Vocation by John Adair which talks about this), is that this is one of those decision processes that cannot be fully made by analysis, fact finding and listing pro's and con's. Yes they are important and can be used for simple, less critical decisions, but this decision (vo

The vocation journey, it seems, has many phases. At the moment it feels like a very private phase is beginning to end as my vocational journey is gradually shared with more people. So far conversations have been limited to just a few key people but over the last few months I have shared my thoughts with a few more people and as ever, have been surprised by the lack of voices telling me to stop and go away! The last week has been part of that phase shift. A meeting with the Vicar last week, after some difficult questions, ended with "you have my full support and prayers." Which given the difficulty of the questions, was a surprise, although may be it shouldn't be. One of the questions was about whether this calling has been seen in me by anyone else. I usually answer no as no one has ever approached me saying, 'you should get ordained.' But at the same time, being called to the local ministry team was a call. Being asked to organise mission and outreach groups wa

The anticipation of Advent can be exhausting, it coincides with the shortest, darkest day of the year followed by days which are busy, full and emotionally exhausting. So even though we are still in Christmas season until Friday, for many the real world comes back to us with a bump. Returning to work, school and the usual routine can be demoralising. The weather is hard work and it will be a few more weeks before we notice the extending days. But, in the meantime, let us rejoice! The wise men are coming. It is still Christmas and Christ is with us, God made man. He is here to walk alongside us in these dark days, to lift us up and carry us when times are tough. His love will see us through. Rejoice, rejoice, again I say rejoice! Happy Christmas!