A little sad and confused...

"Truly I tell you, no prophet is accepted in the prophet’s home town."


This struck a chord today, from the second reading in Morning Prayer (Luke 4:24). I’ve had several difficult conversations recently and many of them have been about acceptance, particularly about vocation.

If you’ve looked at my blog, you may have gathered that I’m exploring vocation and possible ordination in the Church of England. This feels like it has been rather slow but I’m sure for all for all the right reasons. After all, these things must be done in God’s time, not ours.

I met the DDO for the second time last week. He has received my ordination registration form, but I think the fact I had decided to keep options open regarding full-time ministry or NSM meant he felt I needed to do more work. I left with a list of things to do and people to see and no date set for another meeting. This wasn’t what I had expected but certainly wasn’t a no, more a, do some more work and research then let me know when you feel the time is right.

Two days later, I met the Vicar and we talked about the DDO meeting. Part of the process means the DDO will ask for a Vicar’s reference. The Vicar, after prayer and reflection, felt I probably wasn’t suited to stipendiary ministry and so wouldn’t be comfortable in recommending this to the DDO (no reference has been requested so far). In some ways this wasn’t a complete surprise, I think my business/career brain had been telling me to keep options open and explore my full potential. What slightly concerned me were comments about doors being closed. I had said that other doors are then sometimes opened but the Vicar didn’t seem convinced by this! Someday I’ll need more feedback on this but following two meetings in quick succession (along with an MRI scan the same day as the DDO meeting) my brain was reeling. More than anything I needed time to reflect and discern my next step.

Then yesterday, someone else, who has always been supportive in this, also met the Vicar, as much because whatever happens will affect our familyl, as a family. I had been praying about this because it was even less out of my control than the other meetings! Initially it seems the vicar has a concern about my vocation not being discerned by others. They also seem to have the feeling that they can’t see me as being a priest. I trust their feelings, as they trust them. But altogether, the result just makes me feel very sad and confused.

Speculation makes me think I may not be accepted where I am, now, because my faith has grown so fast, so deeply, that people may not be able to see the potential me in five years from now compared to the me of five years ago who was very young in faith. Just speculation but that’s why that line from Luke struck a chord.

Anway, I’m seeing my spiritual director in a few weeks. In the meantime, I’ll keep praying, exploring and work on the suggestions made by the DDO.

The last conversation with the orthopaedic consultant following the MRI scan showed that I won’t need an operation on my knee. After three months the knee is still swollen but movement is easier. It’s just going to need a lot of physio and hard work. So no marathons this year I think and no running (or walking) for the last three months has been very tough. Hopefully I’ll be doing both soon.

I also just read this and I will pray and reflect with it in my heart;

Morning Collect for Guidance

Heavenly Father,
in you we live and move and have our being:
we humbly pray you so to guide and govern us by your Holy Spirit,
that in all the cares and occupations of our life we may not forget you,
but may remember that we are ever walking in your sight;
through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Amen.

With hat doffed to morning-collect-for-guidance