The one where I own up to introspection...
Part of the reason I don't blog very often is that it can sometimes seem rather introspective (such is the nature of exploring vocation), some details can be personal and private, then if I'm being careful not to mention too many names and places, there can then be little left to say. However, things do move on.
This vocation journey is more like a container ship than a speed boat, or perhaps a long distance backpacker than a 5k runner. It's a steady, onwards exploration. I'm seeing, experiencing and learning a lot on the way and no matter what happens, my faith, will be much deeper than I would have imagined a few years ago.
This journey also needs much prayer and so the odd update may be helpful to people who have said they'll pray for me. So here we go...
It's taken some time to realise God's timing isn't the same as mine. As I have explored vocation to ministry, tested some avenues, tried a few cul-de-sacs then found a path which seems more level, the timings have nearly always taken longer than I thought they would. To the point where three and a half years since my first diocese vocation day, where I declared the day after (to our associate priest), that I felt called to be a priest, but couldn't articulate any more than that, I'm now at a point where I'm about to preach a sermon in my home church for the first time, this Sunday. This is scary in itself, it's all written and I need to practice, but no one, (except one person on Mothering Sunday a couple of years ago), other than licensed ministers has preached in our church, certainly no one exploring vocation (in my memory). This brings raising the head above the parapet to a new level!
Last Sunday, it was brought home to me how worship affects me when I'm involved. This time I was MC, so holding the service book for the priest, holding the Gospel and administering the chalice. I was also asked to walk around during the sermon with a picture the Vicar wanted people to see more clearly. Then it was my turn to lead the prayers, which I'd written in the garden in the sunshine the day before, which also went well. The prayers picked up key themes of the sermon, even though we hadn't compared notes, so I think a plan was working it's way out.
But afterwards, I was exhausted. It took me a while to realise why, but I think my inner introvert was at work. It's something I'm going to need to watch out for, I feel a strong call to preach and preside at the Eucharist, but find those kinds of experience draining. An extrovert would be energised whereas I'm the opposite. I imagine it will get easier as I become more comfortable with these experiences, but I'll always need to find a way of re-charging myself to succeed. What's most helpful is to be aware of the need to recharge.
As the next steps seem to bring me gradually closer, the biggest fear is not if it's really God calling or my own ego instead, but, how can I remain true to the calling, to proclaim the good news, to pray with all my soul, when I am made so sinful and human? (nearly put broken there, but it sounded too melodramatic - but aren't we all broken, needing Christ's love to make us whole?)
See, I told you it'd get personal!
This vocation journey is more like a container ship than a speed boat, or perhaps a long distance backpacker than a 5k runner. It's a steady, onwards exploration. I'm seeing, experiencing and learning a lot on the way and no matter what happens, my faith, will be much deeper than I would have imagined a few years ago.
This journey also needs much prayer and so the odd update may be helpful to people who have said they'll pray for me. So here we go...
It's taken some time to realise God's timing isn't the same as mine. As I have explored vocation to ministry, tested some avenues, tried a few cul-de-sacs then found a path which seems more level, the timings have nearly always taken longer than I thought they would. To the point where three and a half years since my first diocese vocation day, where I declared the day after (to our associate priest), that I felt called to be a priest, but couldn't articulate any more than that, I'm now at a point where I'm about to preach a sermon in my home church for the first time, this Sunday. This is scary in itself, it's all written and I need to practice, but no one, (except one person on Mothering Sunday a couple of years ago), other than licensed ministers has preached in our church, certainly no one exploring vocation (in my memory). This brings raising the head above the parapet to a new level!
Last Sunday, it was brought home to me how worship affects me when I'm involved. This time I was MC, so holding the service book for the priest, holding the Gospel and administering the chalice. I was also asked to walk around during the sermon with a picture the Vicar wanted people to see more clearly. Then it was my turn to lead the prayers, which I'd written in the garden in the sunshine the day before, which also went well. The prayers picked up key themes of the sermon, even though we hadn't compared notes, so I think a plan was working it's way out.
But afterwards, I was exhausted. It took me a while to realise why, but I think my inner introvert was at work. It's something I'm going to need to watch out for, I feel a strong call to preach and preside at the Eucharist, but find those kinds of experience draining. An extrovert would be energised whereas I'm the opposite. I imagine it will get easier as I become more comfortable with these experiences, but I'll always need to find a way of re-charging myself to succeed. What's most helpful is to be aware of the need to recharge.
As the next steps seem to bring me gradually closer, the biggest fear is not if it's really God calling or my own ego instead, but, how can I remain true to the calling, to proclaim the good news, to pray with all my soul, when I am made so sinful and human? (nearly put broken there, but it sounded too melodramatic - but aren't we all broken, needing Christ's love to make us whole?)
See, I told you it'd get personal!
Nothing wrong with a little introspection as long as it doesn't become mere navel-gazing.
ReplyDeleteYou have clearly chosen the path intended for you. Lean on the Lord and he will do the rest.
Blessings.
I'm an extrovert but ministry is draining and more often than not when I've preached or presided at the Eucharist I come home needing a nap. Its not about whether you are introvert or extrovert but about the spiritual energy you expend in serving God
ReplyDeleteBlessings on your continued discernment path. Its 10 years since I started my own and I'm now a second year Curate. Like you I didn't always find God's timing chimed with my own expectations but now as I look back I can see so much that God taught me and used to prepare for today.