Calling or shouting?

The last week has been Full. Packed. Chocka. Work has been busier than ever, quite stressful with a manager who never seems happy however hard you work, but I don't want to dwell on that. A number of things have happened which I have been struggling to get my head round, mainly due to lack of time to reflect. On Pentecost, the reading from Acts spoke of flames touching the Apostles as they were filled with the Holy Spirit. What an amazing way to be called to build a church! Then a few minutes later, during the sermon, I saw flames moving in front of me, which certainly made me blink! I quickly realised that the air above the candles on the altar was shimmering from the heat, and directly behind the heat haze was a stained glass window depicting Jesus and the fisherman disciples on shores of Galilee, with a small fire on the beach in the lower left corner - and the flames were moving as the preacher spoke about us being moved by the holy spirit at Pentecost. With all my ruminations on calling recently, this felt like I was being shouted at, not just called to...

Then during the week, a meeting with my spriritual director (where we discussed the above) proved very helpful. He did remark that we often see what most connects with what is foremost is our minds, which I'm sure is true. It's unlikely anyone else may have connected the flames in the same way I did. Then it was deanery synod the next day, our local ministry team meeting a day later, where we are discerning the will of God for the local church. On Saturday I spent the afternoon in the cathedral with massed choirs, which was actually very hard work and I was worn out afterwards. Despite all the grand anthemic music and resounding amens echoing in the vaulted ceilings, the music that spoke to me most was 'I, the Lord of Sea and Sky' and when all hundred hit the chorus, 'Here I am Lord...', well that was another shout...

So I'm trying to pursue the calling further. This isn't quick, which can be good as it allows time for preparation and reflection. I just have this feeling that I should be 'Bold in Christ' and not timid, which is my first reaction. In many ways I don't feel ready, suited or at all the right person. In other ways, it feels like this voice is telling me, it's you, come on, I need you, you keep saying, 'use me as you will,' well here I am and I need you to serve me and the church.

Comments

  1. Doorkeeper21 June 2011 at 16:53

    You should be careful singing that there 'I the Lord of sea and sky...'. It can get you into all sorts of trouble. He's listening, you know, and He doesn't always give you the chance to sort your life out before He finds yet another new job for you. I had intended not to sing it any more but then I forgot and I only remembered when I heard the words 'Here I am, Lord...) falling out of my big mouth. Bother!

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