Yesterday, I turned a corner...

The last few months have seen some of the biggest roller coaster lurches in all of my vocational journey, and I haven't said anything here, because I haven't really known what to to say, even though I wanted to share, especially as people have prayed for me in the past, which has always meant a huge amount to me.

So what has happened? Back in October, I met two Diocesan Assessors, one lay and one ordained. It then took about a month to receive feedback (for entirely understandable reasons), which effectively said that while I had a clear vocation to ordained ministry, it was felt that I lacked the necessary leadership skills and especially confidence, which I would need to do well at a panel.

Now, it's honesty time, my confidence had taken quite a battering over the previous six months, the drawn out vocation process and continued levels of required introspection had started to take their toll, combined with a work situation which had meant my confidence in my role and the level of support from my manager I could expect, were very low. I then went to the Assessment Interviews.

The reports were are very fair summary of the meetings, on that score, I have no issue. I also fully understood (rationally speaking) the summary and conclusion, which was that I should wait a couple of years before going to see the Bishop and then a panel. Like I say, this made sense, but emotionally, it was a shock and in no way am I trying to belittle others who mourn, but it felt like grief. It hurt.

I continued to pray the offices, but they had started to feel empty, except when others occasionally joined me in Church, when it felt like God was there.

Recent reports in the Church press focusing on leadership skills over the priestly vocation also concerned and saddened me, it seemed like we were being led towards a business style plc church, which felt very wrong. It now seems this was part of a larger context of church re-organisation, but I am worried that the calling to preside at the Eucharist could be overshadowed by criteria on mission and leadership. This is something to be watched carefully, I agree church leaders need training, but not at the expense of telling the good news about Jesus.

The Vicar was wonderfully supportive, the preaching date offered before the reports came out was honoured and I was asked if I would also like to preach at our sister Church in the benefice as well on the same day. That will be happening this Sunday. Preparing the sermon made me feel alive and reading it out loud at the weekend made the vocation seem real again.

Yesterday I read in the Church Times that the Church still needs more people going forward for Ordination and Reader training, this sounded like gentle alarm bell, telling me the idea of vocation to some form of the ministry in the church wasn't over.

Then last night I met my spiritual director for the first time since October. I had previously sent a copy of my sermon and the assessor reports, we also talked about calling, ministry and reflected on what had been suggested by the DDO in December, which was to explore Reader Ministry as a way to gain experience, confidence and some leadership skills. I was already leaning towards this route but I was reminded that even as Reader, we get to Deacon at the altar, to preach and teach. The primary element missing would be presiding at Eucharist and I don't think that this is an aspect to the calling I can put to one side just yet, but I think I can wait. God's timing is perfect, however painful it may feel sometimes.

I also realised I had turned a corner this morning when, as I prayed morning prayer on my own, the words felt like they were acting like a pathway to God. Difficult to describe really. But it really felt that the connection with Jesus had been restored, which brought a great feeling of calmness.

The decision about the next step won't be rushed, I'll probably wait for a few weeks after I preach this Sunday, but I do now feel like I've turned a corner. I'll keep praying in the knowledge that God has a plan and with him, I can start to make the path straight.